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New Years Resolutions: For Atheists

AS A DEVOUT ATHEIST, FOR THE YEAR 2012, I WILL ALWAYS ENDEAVOR TO CONTINUOUSLY…

 

…discover new and exciting ways to tell people that it’s wrong to tell people that they’re wrong about things.

…affirm absolutely that there is no such thing as absolutes!

…design intelligent arguments to prove that intelligent design doesn’t exist.

…proclaim that everyone is always right about everything all of the time (except for the Christians, of course).

…invest more time and energy, of my preciously short life on this planet, constructing arguments to oppose those who waste their time believing in imaginary things.

…attempt to write an inerrant ‘holy’ book (yet again) about the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

…stick my head in a microwave until I can develop a ‘beneficial mutation’.

…complain loudly and obnoxiously when Christians won’t let me post vulgarities and hate speech on their youtube channels.

…be offended by the very idea of a God who judges His Creation, but yet I will enthusiastically support and encourage the American government in their practice of punishing criminals and evil-doers.

…believe that there is no such thing as a heaven. But, if there was, everybody gets to go there (except for Hitler, Manson and a couple of other really, really, REALLY bad people).

…assert that the Bible was written by man and, therefore, cannot be taken seriously. Instead, I will blindly trust every single thing EVER written and/or said by Richard Dawkins, Thunderfoot, Eugenie Scott, the Amazing Atheist, or any other yahoo out there who hates Christianity as much as I do.

…follow things that absolutely make no sense in the historical and philosophical framework from a point of view that is self defeating in order to indulge myself in things that are ultimately damaging to myself and others, not to mention destroy the “moral” framework of the humanistic philosophy I love to try and follow (which is also self defeating).

…allow my willing ignorance and suppression of the truth to anger Christians to the point that they become unfruitful and waste their time trying to prove to me intellectually that God exists and if they do prove it, then my faith will stand in the Wisdom of men and not in the” power of God.” (win/win)

…take hypocritical offense at perceived wrongs while denying the existence of the One who defines right and wrong.

…make sure not to read the Bible again this year for fear that it may actually begin to make some sort of sense.

…NEVER leave my seat at this computer in my mother’s basement!

 

 

List compiled by Daniel Johnson.

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